


Is that a wraith stunner in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

by Eos_x



Series: We're all mad here... [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships, Humor, Humorous Ending, I'm impressed with my own title..., M/M, Rare Pairings, Stargate Atlantis - Freeform, Surprise Ending, Surprise Kissing, Surprise Pairing, Wraith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22431880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eos_x/pseuds/Eos_x
Summary: The Stargate  is on the fritz so no one can use it. Just as Todd and Kenny are getting truly fed up with being stuck in Atlantis, someone unexpected comes through the gate...
Relationships: Todd the Wraith/It's a surprise!
Series: We're all mad here... [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632256
Comments: 7
Kudos: 27





	Is that a wraith stunner in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bagheerita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bagheerita/gifts).



> This story is truly ridiculous. It tickles my funny bone and includes a character that doesn't appear in stories often enough, as far as I'm concerned.
> 
> This is for the wonderful Bagheerita because, well, basically they're willing to laugh at my dumb jokes. Check out this author's amazing series 'My Name Forevermore' here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1159649  
> Lots of wraithy goodness! :)
> 
> Stargate Atlantis is the property of MGM etc etc, I'm just messing with it... ;)

Mr. Woolsey flinched as Todd’s aggravated growl once again echoed through the gate room. A headache was thumping away behind his eyes. 

Now, if it hadn’t been such a long day already, he _might_ have invited Todd and Kenny to resume negotiations, seen as they were delayed anyway.

And he _could_ have left the quarreling scientists and returned to his pile of paperwork.

But he definitely _should_ have given Sheppard another talk about why we don’t anger the scary space vampires. 

Mr. Woolsey watched as Kenny approached his Commander. Placing a calming hand on Todd’s shoulder, his Second peered down his nose at Sheppard. “Surely you do not need to detain us much longer?” 

“Well, Kenny,” drawled Sheppard, “as I was telling your illustrious leader here, no one uses the gate until McKay figures out what’s wrong with it”.

Todd’s Second hissed at the use of his human ‘name’ and moved away from the infuriating Colonel. 

Glancing over at Dr. McKay, it was obvious to Richard that the scientist was no closer in determining why the Stargate kept activating despite no one requesting to come through.

“Look, Todd,” Sheppard began again. After a sharp look from his boss, he decided to aim for something closer to diplomacy. “You wouldn’t want the gate to malfunction while you’re travelling through it, right?” 

“Considering the alternative, I am willing to take my chances,” the wraith Commander shot back.

“But then we wouldn’t get to spend so much quality time together,” Sheppard pouted.

“Shepparrrrrd,” Todd snarled. “Must you make even the most simple things as difficult as possible?”

The Colonel looked at him unrepentantly. “I only provide that service for our VIPs. Or should I say, VIWs?”

“Would you cease with the infernal Earth vernacular?” the wraith demanded. “It grows tiresome.”

“Too bad, Todd. Don’t get your panties in a bunch,” Sheppard smirked.

“I do _not_ wear--”

“Would you both kindly shut up?!” snapped McKay. “ _Hello!_ Genius trying to work here!”

Mr. Woolsey noticed Kenny looking at him. He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. The younger wraith drew in a deep sigh and inclined his head at the expedition leader. At least he wasn’t the only one unamused by the bickering.

Placing a hand on the Colonel’s shoulder in his own gesture of calm, Mr. Woolsey reasoned, “perhaps, Todd, you and your Second would like some fresh air?”

“Unscheduled off-world activation!” Before Todd could reply, Chuck’s voice rang through the gate room. “Again!”

The gate lit up and whooshed outwards before settling into the familiar shimmering blue event horizon. Not expecting anything else to happen, the scientists resumed their tense huddle around the consoles while Sheppard prepared to make nice with the wraith.

“We have an IDC, sir!” called Chuck. Half a dozen heads snapped in his direction, causing Chuck to shrink back under the intensity of the attention.

“What?! Whose IDC is it?” demanded McKay. 

“Uh, it’s a legitimate code but it’s, uh, it’s--” stammered Chuck.

“Spit it out! Honestly, is it that hard to get decent minions in this galaxy?!” he complained. 

“--it’s not assigned to anyone.” Chuck ducked his head as if expecting another verbal lashing.

“Impossible,” McKay stated, shoving Chuck away from the screen, typing frantically on the keyboard. “I assigned every IDC so if this one is unassigned then it can’t possibly be known to anyone. Wait. There’s another code coming through. I don’t recognise this one… hang on, it’s activating a program...”

“Rodney?” Sheppard was quickly losing his last shred of calm.

“Oh my god,” came the reply. “It’s deactivated the shield!”

While the physicist stared at the screen, Sheppard started barking orders into his comm. He raced down the steps to the gate room floor, joined by Ronon and Teyla and a team of marines, to form a defensive line in front of the gate.

Todd followed the Colonel but paused at the base of the stairs. His Second chose to remain by Mr. Woolsey. A thought passed between him and his Second, readying themselves for whatever mess the humans had gotten them into this time.

Seconds passed. Nobody breathed.

The event horizon shimmered as a lone figure stepped through. Todd took in the tall figure of a man, hair tied back leaving some resting on his shoulders, well-tailored native dress accentuating pale blue eyes. He looked somewhat familiar…

“Teyla!” The man addressed his fellow Athosian. 

Teyla’s voice broke the silence. “Halling?!”

“Is it? He looks… different.” Mr. Woolsey squinted down at the Athosian. “Maybe it’s the hair. And the clothes. He looks…”

“Spiffy?” suggested Todd’s Second, a look of contemplation on his alien features. 

“Uh, Kenny, when did you learn the word ‘spiffy’?” Rodney looked at the wraith but addressed the whole room. “What? I’m the only one that thinks it’s weird that the big green alien is using our slang now? I mean, seriously?”

Now, if Mr. Woolsey hadn't just spent the morning dealing with a malfunctioning gate, handling a melodramatic scientist and appeasing a demanding wraith, he _might_ have observed the nervousness in Halling’s eyes as they darted around the room.

And he _could_ have spotted the flashing piece of Ancient tech on his wrist.

But he definitely _should_ have noticed the wraith-made stun gun holstered on his hip.

“This was the reason we have been so unceremoniously detained, Sheppard?” Todd sneered from behind the Colonel.

“Put a sock in it, Todd.” Sheppard threw the remark over his shoulder, keeping his eyes on Halling.

The expedition leader watched from his perch atop the gateroom stairs as Halling finally spoke in relief. “Oh, thank the gods you’re here!”

Striding towards Teyla, she conveyed her obvious concern. “Halling, what is going on? Is everyone alright? What has happ--”

But Halling brushed past her, ignoring her queries altogether. He continued on until he neared the wraith, who turned and stepped back. Mr. Woolsey made to meet the man on the stairs only to see him stop directly in front of the Commander. 

Seeing the two in profile, he was struck by the fact that Todd and Halling were exactly the same height. Curious.

Todd stood very still, clearly aware that the marine’s weapons were now aimed at him. 

Halling’s face broke into a wide smile. As if he’d done it a thousand times before, he brought his right hand up to rest on the wraith’s shoulder and his left hand disappeared into the silky white hair to grasp the back of his neck. Resting his forehead against Todd’s pale green one, he closed his eyes. Todd just stood there, frozen, clearly unsure of what to do.

Once again, nobody breathed. 

As if the situation couldn’t possibly get any weirder, Halling pulled back for a scant second, moving his hands to gently hold the wraith’s face, staring intently into his yellow eyes.

Now, if Mr. Woolsey wasn't so unsettled by the Athosian’s unexpected arrival, his subsequent dismissal of Teyla and unexpected embrace with the enemy, he _might_ have observed the amorous look in Halling’s eyes.

And he _could_ have tried stepping in to help the clearly panicked wraith.

But he definitely _should_ have at least tried to take control of the situation.

Todd cocked his head to one side, curious and somewhat amused by Halling’s unusual behaviour. Wraith and Athosian stared at one another. The moment seemed to stretch on forever before Halling leaned in and pressed their lips together in a kiss.

The silence was interrupted by small gasps of surprise and punctuated by a high-pitched yelp from McKay. Teyla and Ronon sported identical horrified expressions. 

The marines didn’t know what to do with themselves and looked at their commanding officer for answers. 

John just looked on skeptically, one eyebrow raised. “Not the weirdest thing I’ve seen in this galaxy.”

But Mr. Woolsey was enthralled by the way the wraith’s hands, which he was holding slightly away from his sides, were rhythmically flexing and curling into fists as if he didn’t quite know what to do with them. 

Richard couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight of Halling thrusting forward to press his body into Todd’s which prompted the large, taloned hands to travel slowly up to rest on the man’s hips. The wraith’s eyes fluttered closed as he relaxed into the moment. What began as a simple kiss quickly became heated.

He will never forget the sight of the two of them; Todd now gripping Halling's back pulling him in even tighter, Halling's fingers entwined in the wraith's unruly hair.

But it was Halling’s positively sinful groan and Todd’s responding purr that brought the realisation crashing down on Mr. Woolsey of just how hot they looked. 

And he didn’t know that wraith could purr…

Sensing Kenny’s eyes on him, Mr. Woolsey shook himself out of his daze, hoping his blush wasn’t too obvious.

Todd’s Second attempted to interrupt his leader’s actions with the mental plea of **_*Commander!*_ **

Mr. Woolsey cleared his throat with a rather loud, “Ahem!”

Halling peeled himself away from the wraith, leaving one hand idly twirling a lock of Todd’s hair. For his part, the wraith moved away a fraction but left his feeding hand firmly planted on Halling’s hip.

Todd stared lazily at his Second. **_*Yes?*_ **

**_*What do you think you are doing?*_ **the younger one challenged.

 **_*Well, I thought I was enjoying some local hospitality. That is, until I was so rudely interrupted.*_ **

His Second had the good sense to look cowed and inclined his head. 

Sensing the younger wraith had clearly lost a soundless exchange, Mr. Woolsey looked expectantly at the sated Athosian. “Ah, Halling?” 

“Hm? What? Is something the matter?” Halling asked, not bothering to drag his gaze away from the wraith.

Todd purred, yellow eyes leering at the human’s lean, muscular frame. The wraith ran his thumb across Halling’s lower lip. 

Halling leaned in to whisper something in Todd’s ear. The wraith’s eyes widened. He proceeded to dip his head down to the crook of Halling’s neck and inhale the human’s scent. 

“What is _that_?!” Rodney’s inner homing device for all things Ancient drew him down the stairs where he planted himself in front of the preoccupied couple. 

Grabbing Halling’s wrist, he started tinkering with the cuff’s blinking display, muttering about inter-universal bridges and alternate realities. 

The only reaction he got was a contented hum from Halling as Todd appeared to be nibbling on his ear.

“Colonel Sheppard?!” Mr. Woolsey was at a complete loss. 

“Ah, Todd?” Sheppard addressed the enamoured wraith. “Weren’t you quite eager to leave?” 

The resulting filthy purr was clearly not aimed at the Colonel. Todd, it would seem, was rather distracted by Halling’s hand tugging suggestively on his belt.

Mr. Woolsey tried again. “Colonel Sheppard. Aren’t you going to, I don’t know, do something?!”

“Not really,” he drawled. “Other than thank Halling for finally getting Todd to shut up.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yep. Todd and Halling. Two characters I adore from SGA. Both portrayed by the same actor who is also totally excellent in every way. I would love to see more Halling grace the fanfics! :)


End file.
